This picture embodies everything that I feel at the moment: The darkness of the clouds blend into whatever brightness the morning sky still remains, and the clear road ahead takes a course beyond what can be seen. This road could take me anywhere; beyond the turning point, there could be several choices and opportunities to choose from, but I'm unsure of what lies ahead at the present moment. The only thing I'm sure of is that I place myself in the passenger seat and allow Someone greater to take control and influence the direction of the life He has given me.I've noticed that I'm going through this strange stage and/or phase in my life. I don't feel happy right now. I'm not looking to be in a state of bliss or anything; I just want to feel satisfied about something in my life. I just want to feel like the puzzle pieces of my life will fit into some logical order as life progresses, but right now they're so scattered that it seems almost impossible.
Lately I have been feeling so judged and criticized by family members - those who are supposed to love me and support me no matter what it is I choose to do (or not do). Since I chose to take a temporary break from my education, they've judged my every decision. I received lecture after lecture after I announced my break from the formal education system. Now I feel I'm being judged for the little decisions that shouldn't matter: how much or how little honey I put in my tea, what shoes I'll wear with any given outfit, whether I wear gloves or not, and whether I choose to listen to any non-Hanson music or not, etc. I feel so pushed to become a character that's already been developed by my family members, someone who isn't me at all. But I can't argue with them; they are family and God knows how great my love (and patience) for them is.
Not only do I feel a wedge coming betwen my family and I, but I also feel separated from friends now as well. I'm going through this stage where I am subconsciously categorizing my groups of friends: "friends I want to keep" and "people I have no use for anymore". Harsh second category, I know. I'm sure I don't truly mean it, but lately it's been how I've felt about certain people. I've cried over that second category and the friends that I've subconsciously started to file into it. Friends who have been dear to my heart for years are moving into that category and it breaks my heart so much to watch my "friends I want to keep" file decreasing everyday. This includes friends I've considered my "BEST" friends for the past several years. My ever-decreasing category of friendships worth keeping is being confined to only family members and a few very close friends I went through high school (and more hardships) with - people who've got my back through thick & thin and won't run out on me the moment they've got something better going on in their lives. I'm not someone who has ever felt the need to filter her friends into categories of any kind and I've always entertained a large crowd of friends (or acquaintances); it's just the kind of person I've always been, which is why this subconscious "re-filing" of friendships scares me to death. It's almost as if I'm trying to reduce the VIP list as much as possible, so that only people who genuinely care can ever get an true account of what my heart is like. P.S. I am so sorry if you are reading this and you realize you are one of the friendships that I have subconsciously re-filed <3
I'm also confused about my education and what it is I want to do with my life. Everyone expects you to know what you want to do with the rest of your life NOW. Well, I'm not ready to make that decision. My greatest fear is that I will choose a career I have zero interest in just because a large salary will make my family proud of me. Will make them label me as "successful". Will make them feel satisfied with the life (and the sacrifices they've made to build this life) that they have made for my generation in Canada. I have been nothing but a puppy my entire life, listening for instructions from the masters and allowing them to make decisions on my behalf. I was told throughout my childhood that there are no limits or boundaries, yet they have always kept me on a short leash that's prevented me from even exploring what was beyond the 2 meter radius that had become so familiar and so routine to me.
Taking a year off school was the biggest decision I ever made on my own; in fact, it was the only big decision I've ever made on my own. I've watched others take random courses just to continue being in school and avoid the look of disappointment and/or anger on their parents' faces, and I'm standing here now telling the world that I won't be that type of person. I refuse to let feelings of intimidation and fear keep me from doing something that I feel is necessary. Despite the fact that I'm not in school, I'm still learning every single day: I'm learning more about MYSELF than ever before. I'm getting to know the person that I am, things that I have overlooked for years, things that a University degree could never teach me. And I'm glad for the opportunity God gave me to learn such things about myself at such a young age.
But really, my heart is aching right now. Silently.
